


A Nun Approved Date

by NotEvenCloseToStraight



Series: Valentines Day Fics! [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Awkward Dates, Bad Flirting, Cheesy, Developing Relationship, Fluff and Humor, Funny, Iron Dad, Ironpool, M/M, Making Out, New Relationship, Peter is a Little Shit, Post CACW, Terrible One Liners, Trans Character, Trans Peter Parker, Wade is Nervous, Wade is Not Smooth, valentines day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-24 00:12:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17693858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotEvenCloseToStraight/pseuds/NotEvenCloseToStraight
Summary: "How's it going, Pool?“Boy howdy am I glad you asked.” Wade crammed some fries into his mouth. “I’ve  been racking my brain on how to get ol’ IronDad naked in time for Valentines Day and I’m out of ideas. Was hoping you had a few life hacks.”“I–I–” Peter made a strangled sort of noise. “You want life hacks to get some one naked? What the heck is an IronDad? Please tell me it’s not Tony, is it Tony? OH MY GOD!”“Don’t be such a prude.” Wade flicked a few fries at Peter’s shoulder. “It’s exactly what I said. I’m trying to get in Tony’s pants in time for Cupid’s birthday and I need some hints. You gonna help me out or what?”“Help you out?” Peter gagged. “I think I might throw up.”“Don’t be like that, Pete.” Wade argued. “Honestly, what did you think was gonna happen when I started hanging out with him? And who knew single dads were my kink? Plus, I’m pretty fucking weak for that Ironbod. I’m telling you, if he wore one of those early nineties era dad sweaters I’d melt right through the fucking floor.”"This is the worst conversation of my life."*******(A commission from my tumblr, an Ironpool chapter for the "Secrets- trans!peter verse)(link in fic)





	A Nun Approved Date

(This fic is part of the [**SECRETS** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11513751)universe, featuring trans!Peter, a very supportive friend Wade and Tony as Iron!Dad)

*************************************

“Hey Bug.” Wade dropped next to Peter on the roof, automatically reaching for some of the teenagers fries and shrieking when his hand was smacked away. “Ease up the Spidey strength! You almost took my hand off and this is my favorite hand. My right hand.”

“Don’t touch my fries then.” Peter retorted. “Buy your own food and please don’t tell me why that’s your favorite hand, I don’t want to know.”

“Probably better for every one involved. And why would I buy my own food when I can just take yours?”  Wade shoved Peter as hard as he could and snatched the bag of food triumphantly. “Ha! Age and brains before youth and spandex kiddo! I win!”

“Age before—“ Peter sighed and  _fwipped_  a web at the mercenary, effectively pinning Wade’s hand to the AC unit behind them. “Webs before weirdos, home slice.”

“I don’t like this new found snark.” Wade decided, tugging futilely at his stuck hand. “You get a fancy new suit, start feeling all good about yourself and now you can mouth off to your elders? Kids these days.”

“What the heck do you want, Pool?” Peter crawled over and ripped Wade’s hand free. “Besides my French fries, I mean.”

“I figured I’d check on you.” Wade said pointedly but also fairly vaguely. “For you know, various reasons.”

“Oh.” Peter blinked in surprise. “Um, I’m fine.”

Even after several months of working together, Peter was still surprised that Wade could turn off the rampant obnoxiousness long enough to check in on things. Subtly and tact were not qualities the big mercenary possessed, but ever since he’d inadvertently discovered Peter was transitioning, Wade had become the very picture of casual discretion. He was caring but not nosy when asking if Peter had remembered to take his shots, curious but not intrusive if Peter seemed uncomfortable because of his binder,  honest but not rude if Peter needed to talk.

It was shocking and surprising and Peter would die before admitting it, but he was grateful every day for Wade’s friendship. He was like a big brother that Peter sorta always wanted to punch but still could talk to, and he was  _grateful_  for it.  

“So is everything uh–” Wade did a little shimmy and Peter tried desperately not to laugh out loud. “Everything good?”

“Everything’s good.” He smiled a little and begrudgingly offered Wade some fries. “How’r things on your end?”

“Boy howdy am I glad you asked.” Wade took an obscenely large handful of fries and crammed them in his mouth. “Because I gotta tell you, I’ve  been racking my brain on how to get ol’ IronDad naked in time for Valentines Day and I’m straight out of ideas. Was sort of hoping you had a few hints or tricks or life hacks or whatever.”

“I–I–” Peter made a horrified,  _strangled_  sort of noise. “I just– you want  _life hacks_  to get some one naked? What the heck is an IronDad? Please tell me it’s not Tony, is it Tony? OH MY GOD!”

“Don’t be such a prude.” Wade made a show of flicking a few fries at Peter’s shoulder. “It’s exactly what I said. I’m trying to get in Tony’s pants in time for Cupid’s birthday and I need some hints on how to make that happen. You gonna help me out or what?”

“Help you out?” The teenager made a face. “I think I might throw up.”

“Don’t be like that, Pete.” Wade argued. “Honestly, what did you think was gonna happen when I started hanging out with him? If we’re being honest, I’m as surprised as you are though. Never thought it would happen but as it turns out, I am  _all_  about that Irondad.”

“Irondad. Why do you keep saying Irondad?”

“I dunno, that’s what they call him online.” A quick shrug. “Who knew single dads were my kink? Plus, I’m pretty fucking weak for that Iron _bod._  I’m telling you, if he wore one of those early nineties era dad sweaters I’d melt right through the fucking floor.”

“This is the worst conversation of my life.” Peter stated. “The worst conversation of my entire life. Why am I still talking to you?”

“Because it’s rude to run away while we’re sharing a meal.” Wade dug through paper sack looking for another burger. “And it’s only the worst conversation of your life so far, you’re not even eighteen yet. Lots of horrifying, TMI style conversations for you and I to have, don’t you worry.”

“Wonderful.” Peter sighed. “So. You’re trying to ask Tony out? I thought you guys were already dating.”

“I don’t really think we’re  _dating_.” Wade ate most of the burger in just a few bites “But we’re hanging out at least. And this is less about asking him out and more about getting into some nekkidness. So howz’about’dat, Spidey, you gonna help me get into your father figure’s pants?”

“I’m going to go cut my ears off so I never have to hear that sentence again.” Peter jumped to his feet, dusting the crumbs from his suit. “Also, please stop using the phrase ‘into his pants’, you sound creepy and old.”

“Rude.” Wade snarked, and then– “Seriously help though. Right now my ideas for seducing him all involve various kidnapping scenarios and hanging out on super high buildings and I feel like he wouldn’t be as up for that as I am.  _Help me_.”

“I can’t believe I’m helping with this.” Peter muttered out loud. “Alright, um— if I was going to give you advice about this completely terrible thing that I never want to hear about again, I’d say to go with all your first instincts because you might be crazy, but you usually have decent ideas. Just like, carry them out like you’re dating a nun.”

“A nun.” Wade repeated blankly. “Okay Pete, I’m an adventurous kinda guy and one day when you’re legal to drink we will have a  _long_ talk about that one time I got trapped in a convent in Panama, but generally speaking I avoid Brides of Christ when dating so you’re going to have to explain a tiny bit.”

“Mexican food?” Peter said impatiently. “Definitely a yes, Tony loves Mexican food. But do  _not_  get him food from that one super sketchy stand where you definitely killed someone and always make a terrible joke about the beef tasting distinctly ‘mugger’ like. Try the fancy place a few places over that has the hand painted glasses and where musicians will come to your table and serenade you.”

“Because that’s where I’d take a nun?” Wade said doubtfully.

“Because if it were between fancy place or mugger beef, fancy place is where you’d take a nun, yes.”

“You keep saying nun.” Suspiciously now. “Is this your way of telling me Tony’s celibate? Because I respect people’s choices about that sort of thing but–”

“ _No_!” Peter threw up his hands in exasperation. “I’m trying to tell you to act like you’re taking a nun out on the date because that way there won’t be murder, mayhem, terrible stories or unfortunate accidents involving weapons!”

“And by the way?  _Officially_ , I don’t agree with this.” Peter insisted. “The guy I run patrol with trying to date—“

“—get naked with–.”

“—Nope I’m not saying that. Since you’re trying to date my mentor and father figure, I  _officially_  don’t agree with this.”

“But unofficially?” Wade asked hopefully. “Unofficially we’re the cutest couple you’ve ever seen, right?”

“Unofficially this is the most I’ve seen Tony smile maybe ever.” Peter admitted. “And you’ve been a lot less obnoxious lately too, so I guess I’m okay with it.”

“Yeah?” Wade waggled non existent eyebrows. “Wanna see your two dads kiss?”

“Oh my god, seriously. Cutting my ears off right after this.” Peter groaned. “Good luck, alright? And remember. Like a  _nun_.”

“Like a nun.” Wade nodded. “Got it. I will treat him super swell and then definitely try to get under his habit at the end of the night.”

“I hate my life.” Peter back flipped off the roof and webbed away, shouting– “I don’t want to hear about this later, alright?”

“Don’t worry!” Wade shouted back. “I’d never kiss a nun and tell!”

****************

Despite Tony’s open door policy and the fact they’d gone on no less than a dozen  ~~dates~~ hangouts, Wade still felt awkward even  _walking_ into the huge compound and if he wouldn’t have been there to pick Tony up for dinner he might have attempted to sass the never-amused AI or at least to break something to distract from how nervous he was.

But if he wanted kisses from the shockingly hot genius who owned the place, he needed to be on his best behavior so Wade stood as politely as he possibly could in the living room, waiting for the AI to tell Tony he was there.

“Hey Wade.”  _There_  he was, the cutest little billionaire the world had ever seen, looking way too drool worthy in a shade of blue Wade was pretty sure he’d never be rich enough to afford. “You’re early.”

“Um–” Wade hesitated and Tony’s face fell. “I mean, I’m sorta early but–”

“So that means I’m late.” Tony checked the time. “By like half an hour! Have you been waiting for half an hour? FRIDAY–!”

“ _No way, boss_.” the AI retorted. “ _I told ya when he came up th’drive, you canna blame me for this!_ ”

“Ugh.” Tony side eyed the ceiling, which was fairly hilarious to see, then sent Wade a real smile. “Sorry, babe. Five minutes?”

“Um–” Wade’s brain short circuited at  _babe_. “Yes?”

“I just need to finish this and change my shoes and–” Tony looked up from his tablet, his voice trailing off when he saw what Wade was wearing. “Are you wearing a cross necklace? Is that a crucifix?”

“Um—“ Wade glanced down at the gold jewelry. “Yes? Do you like it?”

“Did you rob a mobster and steal his necklace?” Tony replied. “Because I don’t date mobsters, they tend to be very flashy and I definitely need to be the flashy one.”

“Alrighty-roo.” Wade yanked the necklace off with a quick jerk, snapping the chain and tucking it away in his pocket. “Look at that, now you’re the flashy one.”  

Tony laughed quietly and Wade’s heart just about  _soared_. “Five minutes, I’ll be right back.”

“Yep, right back.” Once Tony had left the living room Wade relaxed a little bit, slouching onto one of the overly expensive couches that had seen very little use since the whole Mega Argument that ended up with Captain Patriot and the rest of the boy band running away.

It really was too bad that Tony was basically alone in the compound. Sure, Pete had moved in and the hottie from some invisible African country and his overly smart, overly mouthy little sister Shuri came by every once in a while, but generally speaking Tony was alone more often than not, and that– that made Wade sort of  _ache_.

Loneliness was something Wade Wilson was well acquainted with, and he wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Especially not sassy brunettes with an ass that wouldn’t–

“Ready babe?” There it was again, one tiny nickname that made Wade feel as if bells were ringing from the church steeples. “Where are we going for dinner?”

“I thought Mexican…?” Wade’s voice tipped up uncertainly when Tony leaned over the couch and lay a very gentle kiss on his lips. “Oh are we doing that now?”

“We kissed goodnight last time we had a date.” Tony pointed out with a confused expression. “Is that– _mmph!_ ” he shut up when Wade grabbed his tie and yanked him back down for a longer kiss. “See, I knew you’d be on board.”

“Definitely on board.” Wade worked to keep his voice even, as if kissing Tony-fucking-Stark wasn’t ruining the last two brain cells left in his body. “Dinner. Mexican? Or we could keep kissing instead, whatever sounds good to you.”

“I could order in.” Tony said quickly, but stopped halfway to dialing on his phone when he saw Wade’s expression falter. “Wade?”

“Nothing.” Determined to not ruin the night by admitting that he was both relieved  _and_  embarrassed that Tony would rather eat in than go out in public together, Wade forced a smile to his face. “Order lots of grub, I’m wasting away to nothing over here.”

“What’s wrong?” Tony never took his eyes off Wade, even as he called his favorite restaurant. “You’re a terrible liar, it’s written all over your face.”

“That’s bull shit.” Wade scoffed. “There’s nothing written across my face except cancer and you know it.”

Tony barked a laugh, then clapped a hand over his mouth. “Jesus Christ, I shouldn’t be laughing at cancer jokes, what is  _wrong_  with me?”

“I’m a walking cancer joke.” Wade retorted. “How boring would it be if you never laughed at my awesome sense of humor?”

“You have a terrible sense of humor and I’m never laughing at it again.” Tony collapsed onto the couch next to Wade, putting the phone on speaker so they could hear the slightly annoying hold music. “Why’d you look like that when I said we could order in?”

“Like what?” Wade faked an overly big yawn and stretched an arm out over Tony’s shoulders. “I didn’t look like nothin’ never.”

“That was the least subtle move I’ve ever seen.” Tony rolled his eyes, but scooted closer to Wade anyway. “Why’d you look sort of relieved but also kinda irritated? You want to go out? Let’s go out, I’ll cancel the order right now.”

“Uh, no.” A quick shake of his head. “No, I don’t wanna go out. I mean, I  _do_ , but I don’t want you to have to go out with–” Wade motioned to his face. “You know?”

Tony sent him a blank look and Wade shifted uncomfortably. “Tony Stark, billionaire playboy seen out with your unfriendly neighborhood week old avocado face? Come on, I know you like being on the tabloid covers but  _I_ don’t. Eating in means nobody stares at either of us and you don’t have to answer weird questions like ‘hey is his dick wrinkly too’.”

“I can’t imagine a scenario where I’d have to answer that question.” Tony’s eyes were sparking like he wanted to laugh again. “But if it ever comes up, what should I say?”

“You know, I feel like this conversation has taken a rather un-nun like turn so I’m just going to bow out of it and move on.” Wade blurted and Tony burst out laughing. “No don’t laugh, I’m being serious!”

“ _Un-nun_  like– oh hello?” Tony snatched up his phone when someone finally came on the other line. “Yes hello, I need an order for delivery– Yeah, at the compound, you know the one?–Right, the big ass building, can’t miss it– yep, I need like four chimichangas–” a glance at Wade, who flashed him a thumbs up. “– Chicken or beef or– you know what? Just a couple of each flavor. Add a bag of chips and a container of salsa. Tacos. Lots of tacos. Um—”

“Churros.” Wade mouthed and Tony added– “Like a dozen churros. I’ll pay when he gets here, I have cash. Yep. Yep. Thanks.”

He hung up and tossed his phone towards the other couch. “Alright, let’s talk about this idea that I don’t want to be seen in public with you and whatever the hell you said about  _nuns_. Why are you talking about nuns? Is that why you were wearing a crucifix?”

Wade started to open his mouth, but Tony cut him off. “Actually, save the nun talk for later, tell me about the other thing.”

“Come on, Tony.” Wade shifted uncomfortably. “You don’t gotta pretend. I know I look like a fuckin’ train wreck. GQ models and train wrecks shouldn’t hang out, it’s like evolution or something.”

“You’ve been hanging out with a GQ model?” Tony feigned outrage. “How dare you cheat on me! Models are vapid and high maintenance and probably super boring in bed and–”

“Whoop!” Wade said loudly, clapping his hand over his ears. “Un-nun territory again!”

“Oh my god.” Tony pulled Wade’s hands down and wove their fingers together. “Fine, we can skip that part of talk. Explain the nun thing.”

“Your kid–”

“–my kid?”

“–Peter.”

“Right.”

“Peter told me if I was going to try and take you out on a date so I can get in your pants, I needed to do it like you were a nun.” Wade explained and when Tony’s eyes bugged out, he continued- “You know, since I wouldn’t take a nun places with murder or mayhem or questionable food? So date you like a nun, hopefully get under that habit. Foolproof.”

“So you’re… so you’re trying to treat me like you would a nun.” Tony repeated. “Which is why you wore a crucifix and didn’t want to kiss me? Because you figured  _that_  would get you into my pants?”

“It was Peter’s idea!” Wade defended. “I had a different plan to get you naked but your mouthy kid suggested– my god, this is a weird conversation, isn’t it?”

“Not my weirdest.” Tony said decisively. “So this Peter approved nun-styled date– were you going to take me to church?”

“There is a church-rated Valentines Day mixer that was on the itinerary.” Wade hedged. “Does that– is that something you want to do?”

“And were you going to seduce me with verses from the Songs of Solomon?” Tony waggled his eyebrows. “That’s a pretty spicy book of the Bible.”

“I— I didn’t have plans for Biblical seduction from Solomon, no.” Wade narrowed his eyes. “I feel like you’re making fun of me. Was my nun-approach not going to work?”

“You’re asking if you treating me like a nun all night was going to get you into my pants.” Tony said flatly. “Wade, I can pretty much guarantee that it wouldn’t have worked. Why would Peter tell you to–” his expression cleared. “Because Peter would probably die if he knew that we were sleeping together.”

“Most likely.” Wade nodded. “So– So I can drop the nun act?”

“Tell me what your non-nun date would be.” Tony prompted. “Then I can compare the two and make an informed decision.”

“Mexican food from about the sketchiest place you’ve ever been.” Wade counted off on his fingers. “Dessert in the form of ice cream that has so much sugar it’s pretty much guaranteed to give you diabetes. Like I’m pretty sure it’s just cold cotton candy. A walk down a dangerous alley so you had the chance to scream girlishly and jump into my arms. A kiss in the dark beneath the stars leading to me carefully ripping your very expensive suit off because you can’t resist a muscled guy with a big–” he coughed. “ _Gun_.”

“Your plan was to take me to the dangerous side of town, make me eat questionable food and then destroy my clothes?” Tony narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “ _That_  was your plan? That’s how we were going to spend Valentines day?”

“Uh– no?” Wade ran a hand over his bare scalp self consciously. “No this plan was for tonight and maybe tomorrow and hopefully for  _post_ Valentines Day.”

“Wait, so you wanted to get me in bed before Valentines Day and after Valentines Day but not  _on_  Valentines Day?” Tony scrunched his nose in confusion. “Why not? We could get a nice restaurant, maybe a hotel, why wouldn’t you want to do that?”

“Wait, you want to go out for Valentine’s Day?” Wade asked incredulously. “I mean, with  _me_?”

“Who else would I go out with?” Tony asked slowly. “You’re my boyfriend, Wade. We’re supposed to spend that day together.”

“I’m your boyfriend?!” Wade didn’t mean to yell quite so loudly, but he did anyway. “Are you  _serious_?!”

“Do you not think we’re dating?” Tony leaned away to stare at him. “Wade we’ve been spending time together for  _months_. Ever since Peter came out to me. Why do you think we’re not dating?”

“Because I’m me.” Wade pointed to himself, and then to Tony. “And you’re you. Your last boyfriend was Captain America. Before that, you dated Pepper Potts- may she forever bless us with her beauty- and before that you were sleeping with–”

“Yeah, I’ve dated a lot of people.” Tony interrupted. “But now I’m dating  _you_. So why wouldn’t I want to spend Valentines Day with you?”

Wade just stared for a moment, and Tony stared right back until Wade leaned over and very slowly smoothed his rough fingers over Tony’s cheek before bringing him in for a long kiss.

“Yeah?” He asked quietly, cautiously and when Tony nodded Wade kissed him again, careful not to scrape the soft skin with his callouses, trying not to shudder when Tony’s hands landed at his head then tracked down to loop around his neck. “You’re  _sure_?”

“Wade, I’m going to be less sure if you don’t stop talking and kiss me some more.” Tony laughed against his mouth and tugged him a little tighter. “I know they call you the Merc with the Mouth but I was hoping that was a euphemism for something else.”

“You aren’t anything like I thought you were going to be.” Wade pulled away and Tony made a frustrated sort of sound. “No I’m serious. The first time we talked you told me to get the fuck out and the  _second_  time we talked you told me to get the fuck out–”

“–and then I saw how good you were being with Pete so I decided to give you a chance.” Tony finished. “Because I was tired of being around people who always knew something they weren’t telling me, who would say one thing and mean another and Wade, there is literally  _never_  a moment where you don’t say exactly what you are thinking.”

“And that’s… good?”

“It’s great.” Tony said emphatically. “It’s wonderful. It’s different than everything else I’ve ever had and that’s why I want it.”

“Yeah?” Wade reached for him again and Tony came willingly, clambering right onto his lap and kissing him thoroughly. “Oh ho-ho-holy shit, Iron Man likes to be on top, I’m so on board for this.” He slouched down on the couch and got his hands down low to grab handfuls of that ridiculous bubble butt. “Oh my god, are we gonna have sex right  _now_? Even without me treating you like a nun?”

“Wade, if you treat me like a nun I will never talk to you again.” Tony warned and Wade laughed over another long kiss. “And I feel like you’re really surprised by my willingness to be naked with you. Did you think I was saving it for marriage or something?”

“You being celibate might have come up as I was planning our nun date.” Wade mumbled, pushing strands of thick hair off Tony’s neck to mouth over a thundering pulse, humming contentedly when Tony curled closer. “But you’re not, right? I mean it’s fine if you are, but you  _aren’t_ , right?”

“Not even close.” Tony shivered when Wade’s hands started to wander. “And you know, I was just thinking the other day that I haven’t christened this couch yet so maybe we’ll have time to rip some clothes before the food shows up–”

“AUGH!” A high pitched scream from the doorway, and if Wade wouldn’t have been laughing so hard over Tony suggesting they  _christen the couch_  he might have had the presence of mind to at least help Tony scoot off his lap.

Instead, Tony tried to scramble away in an awkward sort of crab scuttle and Wade automatically tried to hold him tighter which meant they both fell off the couch and onto the floor and Peter kept shouting from the doorway because walking in on his sometimes-work-partner and his sort-of-dad-figure making out on the couch while talking about ripping clothes was horrible in all sorts of ways.

“Uh, hey Pete.” Wade offered and Peter’s voice jumped another octave into “My eyes!  _MY EYES!_!”

“Okay, Pete stop screaming, it’s not like we were naked.” Tony gave Wade a shove. “And Wade, please get off me, you weigh a thousand pounds.”

“Sorry babe.” Wade rolled jumped to his feet and helped Tony up, startling when the brunette pressed close and kissed him sweetly. “Uh–  _what_?”

“You called me babe.” Tony rolled his eyes at his own cheesiness. “It seems like a stupid thing but I like–” Wade cut him off with another kiss and Peter groaned as loud as he possibly could from the doorway.

“Are you two done? Can I enter the living room without being scarred for life?” Peter raised his hands threateningly when Wade wrapped Tony in a tight hug. “I swear I will web you to the wall if you don’t stop grabbing at him. What happened to treating Tony like a nun?”

“Your idea was terrible and obviously meant to keep me from getting laid.” Wade informed him and Tony hid a chuckle in his shoulder. “And you already said we are a great couple and–”

“You think we’re a good couple?” Tony asked curiously and Peter hemmed and hawed and shifted on his feet before admitting– “You smile more around Wade.”  

“I got an idea.” Tony turned one of those aforementioned smiles in Wade’s direction. “Why don’t we let Peter eat the food we ordered and you can take me out for your  _non_  nun approved date and we can see where the night goes.”

“I have a pretty good idea of exactly where this night is going to go.” Wade teased and Tony laughed and Peter– Peter  _really_  wished he’d just opted to stay in the city because moving into the compound was seeming like a worse and worse idea.

“Do your homework, kiddo.” Tony called as Wade hustled him out the door. “I have a whole bunch of Mexican food being delivered and there’s money on the table and–”

“Okay! Good bye!” Wade all but pushed Tony out the door. “Don’t stay up past your curfew and if you hear weird noises after we get back don’t come looking!”

“This is the worst night of my life.” Peter decided, slinging his backpack into a chair and pulling out his phone.

 **From Spidey:** _I wasn’t kidding about webbing you up somewhere. Be nice to him._

 **From Deadpool** :  _And I wasn’t kidding about the weird noises. Stay away from the living room tonight._

 **From Spidey** :  _THE WORST NIGHT OF MY LIFE_

 **From Deadpool** :  _So far._

******************

“This is really good.” Tony took a huge bite of his wrap. “Really good, why didn’t Peter want you to bring me here?”

“He says the beef tastes weird, but I’ve eaten here like once a week for years and I haven’t noticed it.” Wade said confidently. “I actually killed someone right in front of the cart one time, you heard that story?”

“No but you should definitely tell me it.” Tony took a drink from Wade’s cup without even pausing and Wade almost died over it. Such a small thing shouldn’t really matter but it was familiar and easy and the type of thing boyfriends  _definitely_  did which made it entirely awesome.

“Wade?” Tony had another sip, motioning for Wade to continue. “Story?”

“Oh right.” Wade took a chance and hooked his arm around Tony’s waist, tugging him closer. “Okay, so I was out here getting my usual post-saving the world food–”

“Post saving the world?”

“Post getting back from a job.” Wade amended. “And I stopped here for snacks but someone was trying to rob them and then the robber like… ran into my gun? Unfortunate and unavoidable. And now they give me free food that definitely doesn’t taste like ground up beef mixed with hints of mugger.”

“Ground up beef with hints of–.” Tony glanced down at his burrito and back up at Wade. “What do you mean  _beef_? This isn’t beef at all. Wade, this is Indian food wrapped in a tortilla. There’s no beef in this.”

“I…thought it was Mexican.” Wade frowned. “It’s in a tortilla.”

“Its a spinach wrap. Just because it comes in a  _wrap_  doesn’t make it Mexican.” Tony stated. “It’s Indian food and it’s delicious. The  _beef_ tastes weird because it’s lamb. Do you and Peter really not know that?”

“Okay, in Pete’s defense,  he’s like twelve–”

“Sixteen.”

“-eight, so he’s probably never had lamb before, and in  _my_  defense–” Wade eyed his wrap suspiciously. “I didn’t know people ate baa-lambs.”

“Okay one of these days I’ll take you to a food festival and introduce you something other than burritos and hamburgers.” Tony stood on his toes to kiss Wade’s cheek. “But didn’t you have a scary alley to take me down?”

“As long as you promise to scream girlishly and jump into my arms.” Wade reminded him, steering them down an  _outrageously_  sketchy alley. “Because that definitely has to happen before naked times right?”

“I don’t see why a girlish scream and cartoon level jump is necessary for–” A noise from behind them and Tony whipped around, palm raised as a gauntlet formed from his watch and covered his hand, repulsor glowing bright in the near dark.

“Uh  _hey_ , Iron Man.” Wade’s jaw dropped. “You have a glove in your _watch_?”

“It’s a gauntlet.” Tony kept his eyes trained on the shadows. “And yes, these days I make sure I have at least one gauntlet on me at all times. Get jumped by a suddenly activated Winter Soldier when you’re wearing nothing but a stylish Tom Ford suit and you learn to always have a little something up your sleeve.”

“Damn, that mess really fucked you up, didn’t it?” Wade pulled his handgun out of his back holster and pointed it in the same direction, keeping his eyes on Tony as he did. “I mean, Pete doesn’t like to talk about it so I don’t really know what happened but–”

“It fucked me up.” Tony confirmed. “And I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Alright.” Wade shrugged, and when a dog ran out from the corner they both relaxed, Wade lowering his gun and Tony’s repulsor powering down.

“Aw you see that?” Wade bent to kiss Tony. “Only  _real_  boyfriends threaten shadows in alley together.”

“Only real boyfriends–” Tony’s smile was a little unsteady but he still rolled his eyes. “What’s next on our date?”

“The church approved Valentines Day mixer is still going on.” Wade suggested. “Orrrrr we could just check into a sleazy motel and hump our brains out since apparently you’re very down to do the deed with me and I’m totally warm for that Iron Dad form.”

“Don’t call me IronDad ever again.” Tony did a quick search on his phone. “And I’m not staying in a sleazy motel, but I’m fine with everything else with that plan.”  

“Really? Not Iron Dad?”

“Wade.”

“Yep, zipping my lip.”

***************

“So what are we doing for Valentines Day?” Tony asked later, laying back on the plush pillows in the not sleazy at all five star hotel he’d booked from his phone. “Because we’re spending it together, right? You done being weird about that?”

“I’m done being weird about it.” Wade was still a little loopy from the lovin’, a goofy smile on his face as he sprawled in the sheets. “And if you do that  _thing_  that you did again, I might even forget about everything else I’m weird about and turn perfectly normal.”

“God forbid.” Tony said dryly. “So, Valentines Day?”

“We could buy a bunch of chocolate and melt it and then draw on each others bodies.” Wade suggested. “Then lick it off. Or strawberry jam. Whipped cream. OH! We could do body shots off each other and–”

“Nope. Stop.” Tony shook his head. “Absolutely not. I’ll be planning Valentines Day, yeah?”

“Yeah, why don’t you plan Valentines Day.”


End file.
